REGRET, the aftermath of the 5th year
by Grey Operator Girl
Summary: Harry has always kept his true feelings about all that has happened to him in the past 5 years to himself. But they do break free every once and a while, a constant reminder that they are a part of him, and he cant ignore them forever.
1. Never Recover

Regret (the aftermath of the 5th year)  
CHAPTER 1  
  
Harry laid face down in his bed, one arm at his side, the other hanging off the side of the bed. He wasn't sleeping, just staring.over at hedwig's empty cage, he was alone. He hardly slept at all these days, because all he ever dreamt about was death.Sirius', Cedric's, his parent's, his own, but the worst part of these dreams was that at the end of all of them.it was always his fault. He'd see his friends pointing at him, looks of disgust on their faces, saying, "It's all because of you Harry, they're dead because of you." These dreams were so real, everything.even the pain, that he'd wake up screaming, and feeling so much guilt, regret and sadness, that he's wish that, that dream had been real, that he had died.  
  
Lupin had visited Harry often since Sirius' death a month earlier. He'd take Harry different places, but mostly Diagon Alley, where they'd talk, and he'd give an update on how the Dursley's were treating him, which was like he had a deadly disease and if they came within 20 feet of him, or talked to him, they'd catch it. Lupin would laugh, but Harry would only give a weak half-smile, laughter didn't come that easily anymore. They'd come back home where Lupin would say hello to Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia, then he'd "accidentally" drop his wand, giving them a not so subtle reminder that he could do magic legally.  
  
But right now the Dursley's were gone, Lupin was busy with The Order, And Harry was all alone with his thoughts, and all he could think about was how Sirius' death could have been prevented. If only he had opened that damn package when Sirius had given it to him, then he would have found the mirror, and been able to talk to him before.  
  
Harry sat up quickly, as if the sudden movement would stop the thought. He turned his head to look at the desk drawer next to him, then reached over and rested his hand on the handle. Half of him wanted to open the drawer, the other half was yelled at him not to, but despite the second opinion he slowly began opening it, knowing full well that what was inside would only bring back bad memories, he didn't care anymore. But again he stopped himself, pulling his hand back when he had opened the drawer all the way. For a minute he just stared at the open drawer, daring himself to reach inside and pull the mirror out.  
  
He'd kept it in there as a sort of comfort, but never looked at it because looking at it and just knowing it was there were two completely different things. When he saw it, it reminded him of the biggest mistake he's ever made, but it just being there made it feel as if Sirius were right there next to him. Slowly, he reached in, pulled out the mirror, and placed it on his lap.  
  
He stared at his own reflection for a moment, he looked tired and worn, his hair was even more of a mess than usual, and he was starting to get bags under his eyes from lack of sleep. The stress in his life had taken its effect of Harry inside and out. But his reflection didn't bother him, he already knew how he looked, it was the fact that he was holding the mirror at all that came as sort of a shock to him. He picked it up and held it close to his face, and looked deep into it, half expecting something to pop out at him.but nothing did. "Sirius," he whispered to it, knowing there would be no response, but despite that he knew there would be no response, it angered him.  
  
"STUPID MIRROR!!!" He yelled, then threw it across the room where the glass broke to pieces and fell to the ground with the frame. All the rage he had been suppressing seemed to break out when the glass from the mirror broke. He stood up, reached for the drawer that had held it, pulled it out of the desk and flung it across the room as well. He then tore all the sheets of his bed, pulled out the top three drawers from his dresser, ripped every poster and flag from school off his wall, and ended my slamming his fist into the wall so hard that is split open his knuckles which began to bleed profusely. He bent over with pain for a second then stood straight up and began to look at the ceiling as though he could see right through it. He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes from a mixture of anger and sorrow that he'd been trying to ignore.  
  
"What did I ever do to deserve this!" he yelled out to the nothingness, "Why does everything bad keep happening to me! I'm so tired of seeing people die, it isn't fair!!" He then buried his face in his hands and began to cry without holding back, something he had never done. " I can't take it anymore, I can't take it, I can't.I won't" I'll leave, he thought, I'll runaway from all this.  
  
He pulled his hands away from his face and looked around the room at the mess he had made with his fury, the dent in the wall where he had struck it, then the trunk he used for school. Harry hastily began to make his was over to the trunk, maneuvering around the many objects on the floor. He then picked up the trunk, dropped it on his bed, opened it and began throwing in everything he had, which wasn't much.  
  
But where to go, he thought, where could I go where they wouldn't look for me. Where would be the last place they'd think of searching.  
  
*** 


	2. Some Voices

Regret (the aftermath of the 5th year)  
Chapter 2  
  
Lupin walked back down the stairs to the kitchen in the order of the phoenix headquarters. He was just about to have dinner when he could have sworn he heard Harry's voice yelling something upstairs. But his search had found nothing but Sirius' empty room.  
  
"Alright there, Remus?" asked Tonks who was there with him, there was going to be another meeting that night and there were the first to arrive.  
  
"Yes, it's just that.well, I could have sworn I heard Harry's voice coming from upstairs.He sounded so angry."  
  
"Oh, I'm sure it was just your imagination. We're all going mad with worry about him, it was just a matter of time before one of us started hearing voices." She had meant it as a joke, but he didn't laugh considering he was the one hearing the voices. He went over sat across from Tonks at the table.  
  
"How's he doing these days? Harry, I mean." She asked.  
  
"Not good I'm afraid, whenever I talk to him, he seems so distant, like he just doesn't care anymore. His friends told me they'd written to him but he'd never write back. When I asked him if he'd received the letter, he said yes, but he had nothing to say so he didn't write back. I think he's trying to shut everyone out."  
  
"I don't blame him, he's been through so much. Much more that a boy his age should have in such a short time." Tonks looked down at the table and began to shake her head slowly, "So much." She said, and then looked back at Lupin. "Are you going to see him again soon? She asked.  
  
"Yes.tomorrow in fact."  
  
"Where're you taking him?"  
  
"Anywhere he wants to go." That voice still bothered him, where had it come from. "Excuse me will you." He told Tonks, then stood up from the table and headed back to Sirius' room. When he opened the door, he again found nothing but an empty, dark room. There was still a bed and a dresser but the presence that was once there, that was now gone forever, now made the room truly empty.  
  
He walked in, knelt down next to the bed, and looked under it, "Nothing", he said quietly to himself, then stood up and walked over to the dresser. One-by-one he opened each drawer, looking for the possible source of the voice. On the last drawer he found nothing but a few scraps of paper, a mirror, and some old clothes that had belonged to Sirius.  
  
"Maybe I am going mad." He said, then walked out of the room and slowly closed the door behind him.  
  
*** 


	3. Passenger

Regret (the aftermath of the 5th year)  
Chapter 3  
  
Harry had walked for about an hour before deciding on where he could go. It was difficult to decide considering all he had was wizard money, so any place that involved muggle money was out of the question. About a half-hour into his little walk he thought about going to stay at the Leaky Cauldron. He remembered that there were rooms there and he could stay there fro a while 'till he decided on a more permanent location. At first he said no to the thought, considering it was such an obvious place, but the last place people often look for things they've lost is the most obvious place. And besides he wouldn't be staying there forever, a week or two maybe.  
  
He stopped and placed his trunk flat on the sidewalk so he could sit on it to rest. He looked around the neighborhood he was now in. Only a few of the houses had their lights on, and he could hear a couple dogs braking at each other a way down. Most of the streetlights were lit, but the one above him kept flickering on and off. He looked up at it for a second, as if the broken light was so interesting, then at the ground. How do you call the knight bus again? He thought. He stood up, turned around, and knelt down in front of his trunk so it would be easier to search through. He was looking for his cloak, the plain clack one he uses when he wasn't in school but still wanted to blend in with other wizards. He liked it a lot because whenever he wore it with the hood up, no one ever recognized him. Mainly because it covered his most recognizable features, his hair, eyes, and of course, his scar. He moved the miniaturized versions of his broom and hedwig's cage, which he had used reducio on so they would fit into his trunk, he moved his book, a couple of shirts, then finally pulled out the cloak he'd been looking for. He put it on then threw the hood up, which stopped just before the end of his nose. "Perfect" he said to himself, with a smile, then put everything except his wand back in the trunk and closed it.  
  
"I need a good name to use," he said, " can't use Neville's name again." For some reason Cedric's name jumped into his mind, along with a rush of guilt. I should use his name, he thought, his first name at least, sort of like, in honour of, or in memory of. He nodded to himself " or both" he said out loud.  
  
He walked over to the edge of the sidewalk and pocketed his wand. Now, how do you call the bus?? He thought, raise you wand hand, right? So slowly he raised his wand hand into the air and braced himself for what might happen. Within seconds the deafening BANG and blinding light that he had been expecting arrived. Harry tried to keep his composure, but had to take a step back in order to catch himself.  
  
"Welcome to the Knight Bus," shouted a familiar voice, "emergency transport for the stranded witch or wizard. Just stick out your wand hand, step on board, and we can take you anywhere you want to go. My name is Stan Shunpike, and I will be your conductor this evening." Since Harry's hood was blocking his vision, all he could see was a tall blurred figure standing in front of him. He tilted his head back so he could see out from under the hood, and saw Stan standing, looking at him as if he were expecting applause. He looked back down and turned to get his trunk, "Same line as last time." He muttered to himself.  
  
"Woss that?" he heard Stan say behind him.  
  
"Oh, um could you help with my trunk?" he replied quickly, not realizing he's spoken that loudly. "It's quite heavy."  
  
"My pleasure, mate. 'S part of the job description, you know." He walked over to the opposite end of the trunk and lifted it while Harry lifted the other. " 'ey man, you wern joking, 'choo got in 'ere, bricks?"  
  
"Books, mostly." Harry replied, as they both started toward the bus. When they had gotten the trunk nice and secure, Harry went and sat on a bed that was closest to the narrow stairway that lead to the second floor of the bus, and held on to the rail so he wouldn't go flying all over the place once they got on their way.  
  
"So," Stan said, " where you 'eaded?"  
  
"Diagon Alley, if you don't mind."  
  
"Don't mind at all, s'long as you pay, can take you anywhere, 'cept underwater." Harry tilted his head back again to get a better look at Stan, who did look a bit older, probably because he had quite a few less pimples than the last time he saw him. "Woss your name, if you don' mind me askin'? Or should I just call you 'sir'?"  
  
"No, no, it's .it's Cedric." Harry replied hastily.  
  
"Don' got a last name?" Stan asked. Harry looked down at the floor, then replied, "It's Black, Cedric Black. " "Well then Cedric, nice to meet you, best be on our way then. 'Ey 'Ern, Cedric here wants to go to Diagon Alley, let's get goin'." With a loud BANG, that was really starting to irritate Harry, they were off. He didn't dare look out the window knowing he would probably get sick, and focused on his shoes instead.  
  
"So, what you goin' to Diagon Alley for? 'S a bit late to go shoppin'."  
  
"I'm uh.I'm visiting a friend and I need a place to stay while I'm here." Nice thinking there Harry, just pray he doesn't ask who your friend is, he thought, " I heard there was a place around here called the Leaky Cauldron that had rooms."  
  
"Well, if your visitin', how'd you know 'bout Diagon Alley."  
  
"Oh, um, my friend told me that it was right next to the Leaky Cauldron." Just as he said the last word, there was another BANG and the bus stopped so suddenly, that Harry shot forward and had to catch himself on the bed next to him.  
  
" 'Ere we are Cedric, that'll be 12 sickles from the ride, if you don' mind." He said turning to Harry. He had to catch himself with the hand he had slammed into the wall earlier, so it took a second to stand up. Once the pain had stopped, Harry stood and walked over to his trunk, opened it, and took out the bag he used to hold his money in. He pulled out a galleon and placed it into Stan's outstretched hand.  
  
Stan looked down at it, "Um, I'm 'fraid I don' got change." He said, as he looked back up at Harry.  
  
"Just keep the rest, for helping with my trunk." Harry said, motioning to his trunk, giving a subtle hint that he may need help again to get the trunk back out of the bus.  
  
"Oh," said Stan, pocketing galleon, "let me 'elp you with that." Then he walked over to the trunk and lifted the end opposite Harry, and they both carried it out to the sidewalk. "Well," Stan said, outstretching his hand to Harry," 'S been a pleasure meeting you Cedric." Harry reached out and shook Stan's hand, then replaced it at his side. "Best be off then." Said Stan, then the door's to the Knight Bus closed and with another deafening BANG, they we're gone.  
  
"Bye" Harry said quietly, not just to the Knight Bus, but to his old life, to everything he wanted to forget.  
  
He lifted his trunk up on its end so the side that had wheels was still on the ground, and began towards the door in front of him. He stopped just before it and looked up to read the sign that said "The Leaky Cauldron", then smiled, turned the knob on the door, and walked in.  
  
*** 


	4. Gone!

REGRET (the aftermath of the 5th year)  
Chapter 4  
  
"What do you mean he's not here?!? Lupin yelled at Harry's Aunt Petunia, who didn't seem to understand the seriousness of what she was saying.  
  
"It's just what I said," she replied, "when we came home last night, we found his room completely destroyed, and him and all his things gone." A smile spread across Petunia's face, "Frankly, I'm glad. I don't mind having to clean the mess he made, as long as he's gone."  
  
Lupin ignored this comment and pushed past her to get to the stairs. He needed to search Harry's room for something, anything that could tell where or why Harry had gone. Just as he was about to take the first step, Harry's Uncle Vernon pushed him back.  
  
"Excuse me, sir, but I do no recall inviting you into out home." He said trying to intimidate Lupin.  
  
"Excuse me, SIR," Lupin replied stepping closer to Vernon so he was within two inches of his face, "but unless you want to be turned into something so grotesque, not even your own mother would recognize you, I'd move," Vernon's eyes widened with horror, "NOW!!!" shouted Lupin as the final blow, and Vernon quickly moved to the side. "Thank you." He said coldly, then headed upstairs to Harry's room.  
  
When he opened the door, he did indeed see that the room had been destroyed. All the dresser drawers were scattered all over the room, along with the desk drawers. One of the curtains was barely hanging onto the window while, as he found, the other had been torn off completely. The sheets that were once of his bed had been thrown all over the room, and as he began to walk in further he saw that there was an indentation on the wall with a brownish-red mark in the middle. He placed his hand on the mark and looked down to find more brownish-red marks all over the one bare spot on the floor. "Blood" he said to himself, then began to look over the room.  
  
He could only assume the worst considering there was no note, or anything to indicate where he was. He took another step, and heard and felt something crack under his foot. He took a step back to see what he had stepped on and saw a small piece of glass that was now split in two. He picked up the pieces and held them in his hand for a second, then flipped then over and saw his own reflection. Pieces of a mirror, he thought, then placed them on top of the dresser, and began moving the sheets and drawers that were scattered all over the floor, looking for more pieces of the mirror, but found none.  
  
All of Harry stuff WAS gone, including hedwig's cage and his firebolt. Well, at least I know he wasn't taken by anyone, he thought, "because anyone who wanted to take Harry away in a hurry, wouldn't have had the courtesy to take all his possessions with them." He continued, out loud. "Then, then he must've runaway." He looked again at the destruction in the room. Then Harry must have done this, he thought, but what could have made him so angry as to do all this? The second he thought that, he realized it was stupid question, what in Harry's life couldn't have made him lash out, or want to run away from it all? To forget everything that had happened to him? So much had happened.  
  
Lupin look down at the ground, and began to shake his head slowly, then closed his eyes and covered them with his right hand. He needed to notify the Order that Harry was missing, which would be a difficult thing to do. For the past month, their top priority had been his safety and well being, so him being gone was a huge problem. But still, he needed to tell them.  
  
He lifted his head, opened his eyes, and turned to look at the pieces of mirror on top of the dresser, which he picked up and put in his pocket. He could hear someone coming up the stairs, and assumed it was Vernon, considering the footsteps sounded heavy, and the boards on the stairs creaked with every step. He didn't feel like dealing with another one of Vernon's attempts at growing a spine, and quickly apprated to the Order headquarters.  
  
When he arrived, he found it deserted. "Anyone here?!?" he yelled, but only heard a slight echo of his voice, and a few pictures that had begun to scream. He tilted his head down slightly and began to search his mind, for any place he could find at least one member of the Order. "Molly should be home." He said to himself, then apprated once more so that he was now facing the front door of the Burrow.  
  
He took a breath in and out, and raised his hand to knock on the door, but for some reason he couldn't and dropped his hand back down to his side. How am I supposed to tell her? He thought. Mrs. Weasley had always thought of Harry as another one of her children. Lupin could remember her reaction to Percy's leaving the family, how hurt she had been and still was. He could not imagine how she would react to finding out that another one of her children, Harry, was now gone as well. But she had to know, he thought, she's going to find out eventually anyway. You might as well tell her now. He took another breath, lifted his hand and knocked on the door.  
  
For a second there was no sound from inside, then he heard someone yell, "Hold on" from behind the door. Then the door opened and he saw that it was Ron. He had gotten taller; he was almost eye level with Lupin.  
  
"Oh, hello Professor, how are you?" he said is a surprised voice, he didn't blame him; it wasn't often that he came to visit them.  
  
"Fine, thank you," He replied, " Um, is your mother home, I need to speak with her." The expression on Ron's face had changed from surprise to worry, probably because of the tone of his voice when he said he needed to speak with his mum.  
  
"Um, ya, hold on," he said, then turned from Lupin and yelled, "MUM!!!" He could hear someone coming down the stairs, then saw Mrs. Weasley walking down the last steps.  
  
"Ronald Weasley, would it have killed you to come upstairs and get me instead of yelling?" she asked, slightly out of breath.  
  
"Yes." He replied simply. Mrs. Weasley just rolled her eyes at him.  
  
"Well, what is it?"  
  
"Professor Lupin's here to see you." He answered, stepping aside so that she could see him.  
  
"Oh, Remus, hello, come in. Come in." she said walking towards him. Ron moved behind the door so it would be easier for Lupin to get past him, and then closed the door when he was in all the way. She gave him a hug hello; Mrs. Weasley was never one to give a simple handshake. "Good to see you," she said with a smile, and then motioned to the table, "here, sit down. Would you like something to drink?"  
  
"No, thank you." He replied. Ron had sat down at the other end of the table, in front of a plate half-filled with food. Lupin's arrival had probably interrupted his having lunch. "I just came to talk to you about something."  
  
"Yes? About what?" she said, with her back to him, placing some dishes that had been on the table, into the sink.  
  
"It's," he paused. Just say it, Remus! He thought, "It's about Harry." Both Ron and Mrs. Weasley turned to look at him, both with looks of a mixture of fear and worry on their faces. Mrs. Weasley walked over to the chair opposite Lupin and sat down.  
  
"Ron, go to your room." She said, still looking at him.  
  
"But, Mum -"  
  
"Now, Ron!"  
  
"No, it's alright." Lupin said, stopping the argument before it began. "He should know too."  
  
"What's happen, Remus?" She asked. From the expression of her face, she was probably him to say Harry had been severely hurt or killed. He looked her straight in the eye.  
  
"Harry's missing." He said. Mrs. Weasley slowly raised her right hand over her mouth. "When I went to see him today," he continued, "his Aunt told me that when they arrived home last night, he was gone."  
  
"They left him alone!" she exclaimed.  
  
" 'Course they did." Ron said with a look of disgust of his face, "They don't give a rat's ass about Harry. They were probably happy that he was gone." They were, thought Lupin, but didn't say, because it would probably only make Ron angrier.  
  
"Well, was there a note or, or something? Anything?" she said with hope in her eyes. It hurt him to have to tell her "no." She stood up and began to pace the room. He continued, "His room was completely destroyed," he said, watching her as she continued to pace, she was now shaking her head as well, "But I don't think he was taken by anyone." She stopped pacing and looked at him, her eyes wet with tears. He looked over at Ron, who looked like he had a thousand questions. "Harry's room was ransacked, but his things, all his things were gone as well. And I doubt that anyone who would have wanted to take Harry would have stopped and packed all his things before they left. I think he's just runaway."  
  
"Run-runaway?" She said, placing her hands on the table. "But why would he do that?"  
  
"Hmmm, I wonder." Ron added sarcastically, then looked back down at his food when Lupin and Mrs. Weasley both gave him a look that said "Shut up!" He then picked up his fork and began poking at his food. "Well, then where do you think he is?" he said, still not looking at them, "it's not like he had any place to go."  
  
They were silent for a moment, thinking about what Ron had just said. It was true, though sad as well. Harry had no family, at least no one he considered family, and right now he was avoiding any and all contact with his friends.  
  
"What about Diagon Alley, maybe he went to the Cauldron." Mrs. Weasley said hopefully. But Lupin just looked down at the table and shook his head.  
  
"I don't think so," He said, "the only reason me and Harry went there so often was because it was the only place that was familiar to him, but he always hated the attention. He hated that people he didn't know would stare at him or ask to his scar." After saying this, Lupin began to think back, back to when things like that had happened. Harry would try desperately to comb his hair over his scar, but with his hair being so un-manageable, he would end up covering it with his hand and leaning on his elbow on the table. "I wish they'd stop looking at me" he'd tell Lupin, with anger and frustration in his voice. When they'd leave, he would look down at the ground so it would be harder for people to see his face.  
  
Poor Harry, he thought, that must have been so hard for him, being treated like a tourist attraction. Lupin was staring blankly at the table when he felt something on his shoulder. He looked up and saw that it had been Mrs. Weasley placing her hand on his shoulder, with a look of concern on her face.  
  
"You alright?" she asked kindly.  
  
He looked back down at the table and replied, "Yes, it's just that," he paused for a moment, then continued, "I think the last place Harry would want to be right now is somewhere he'd be recognized."  
  
*** 


	5. Nice Dream

REGRET (the aftermath of the 5th year)  
Chapter 5  
  
It had been a week since Harry had left the Dursleys. There had been no reports made in the Daily Prophet about his disappearance. No conversations in the Cauldron that started with "Hey, did you hear? Harry Potter's gone missing." Nothing. It was as if nothing had happened at all. As far as the wizarding world knew, Harry was still safely at home; always ready to fight the good fight against Voldemort. This always made him laugh, finally, something the public didn't know about Harry's life; that he was no longer a part of it.  
  
His new life here was much better, simpler, his own. There were no pressures put on him, except to pay for his room. No one expected him to do anything, or be anything, except himself, or as far as they knew, anything except Cedric Black.  
  
Harry had just woken up. The sun from outside surprised him when he rolled over onto his side. He tried to block the light by closing his eyes even more then they already were, but he only succeeded in waking himself up. He reached out to the small table next to him and began searching blindly for his glasses. When he found them he rolled onto his back and put them on. What time is it? He thought, and then turned his head to look at the square wooden clock on the wall. 11:53 a.m., he'd slept in. He wasn't afraid of sleep anymore. A few days earlier, he just woke up. Not screaming or crying or anything like that, he just opened his eyes, and he was awake. He couldn't remember the dream he had, but knew it wasn't one of his usual nightmares, just a dream. Since then he still hadn't had a nightmare. It was probably because nothing here reminded him of all the bad things that had happened to him.  
  
When he was back at the Dursley's, he would see Lupin almost every other day. Lupin was the one who told Harry that Sirius was dead after he fell behind the vale. So every time Harry saw him, he was reminded of what had happened. It would be on his mind when he went to sleep, and he would have nightmares about it.  
  
But he hadn't seen Lupin in more than a week, and now the nightmares had stopped.  
  
He sat up in bed with his legs over the side, and let out a long yawn. He was still tired but who isn't right when they wake up? He stood up, stretched out his arms, and walked over to his trunk to get clothes to wear. He didn't bother unpacking his things when he arrived, knowing he wouldn't be staying there more that two weeks, he didn't want to leave, but he couldn't stay there forever.  
  
After he was dressed, he threw his black cloak on and put the hood up, like he did everyday, and put his bag of money in his left pocket. He needed to go to Gringotts eventually, considering the money he had when he came here was almost all gone. He didn't want to because that would mean using his real name, so he put it off as long as he could. I'll go tomorrow, he thought, then walked back to the bed and reached into the pillowcase where he had kept his wand while he slept. He put it in the right pocket of his jeans and then adjusted his cloak again so most of his face wasn't showing, along with his clothes, then walked over to the door, to leave the room.  
  
As he closed the door behind him, his stomach growled, "Guess I was hungrier that I thought." He said to himself, and then walked down the hall and down the stairs. When he reached the bottom, he heard a familiar voice yell, "Morning, Cedric!" It was Tom, the innkeeper, one of the only people he really talked to here, "Or should I say good afternoon." Harry turned in the direction of his voice and smiled, then began to walk over to the counter that tom was standing behind.  
  
"Afternoon, Tom." He said with a smile, "Guess I slept in."  
  
"Guess you did," He replied with a laugh, "but hey, there ain't no rule that says you can't sleep as long as you want." Harry smiled, then his stomach growled again loudly, and he quickly covered it with his hand to stop it. "Hungry?" Tom asked.  
  
Harry gave a kind, but sarcastic laugh, "Very." He replied, and Tom laughed.  
  
"Well, then we better get some food in you before you die of hunger. What'll you have?"  
  
"Still got any roast beef?"  
  
"Sure do."  
  
"Then I'll have that if it isn't too much trouble."  
  
Tom chuckled, "No trouble at all, I'll have it in a minute."  
  
Harry smiled, and then turned to walk to the table he usually sat at. "How do you see from under there, Cedric?" Tom asked as a joke.  
  
"Magic." Harry replied and they both laughed. Harry sat down with a smile on his face. He really did like it here; he was so relaxed and happy. He wished he didn't have to leave.  
  
As he looked down at the table, he heard the door to the Cauldron open. He had gotten use to this since people were always coming in and out of here, so he ignored it and examined the table instead.  
  
"Hello, Tom." Said the stranger cheerfully, and lazily also. Still Harry ignored it and didn't look up.  
  
"Remus?! Is that you? You haven't been in here in ages." Harry froze, his heart did too, and he held in his breath. No, he thought, it's not him, it can't be him.  
  
He tilted his head down even more and closed his eyes, with a silent prayer going through his head. He didn't dare look up. Please don't let it be him, he thought desperately, please, please don't let it be him.  
  
*** 


	6. A Wolf at the Door

REGRET (the aftermath of the 5th year)  
Chapter 6  
  
Harry was still missing, it had been a week and Harry was STILL missing. Searching for Harry hadn't been easy for Lupin and the Order. They could only tell certain people that he was missing, they needed all the help they could get in finding him, but they couldn't get much. His disappearance needed to remain a secret to the public, because they weren't sure how they would react to Harry being gone. They also needed to make sure none of Voldemort's followers were aware of it, for Harry's own safety.  
  
Lupin had probably gotten about 7 hours of sleep in the past week. He'd try to sleep, but with his mind constantly racing, trying to think where to look for Harry, it was difficult. He and the Order checked out every sighting of a boy with dark hair and glasses in England, all lead to nothing. When he arrived at number 12 Grimmauld Place that morning, Mrs. Weasley forbid him to stay.  
  
"You are not working today!" she said pushing him back out the door, "You need your rest, you've been working too much lately."  
  
"I can't rest, Molly." He replied, stopping and turning to her, "We still haven't found Harry, I'm needed here."  
  
"I think we can handle you not being here for one day, we're not children. Now go home and rest."  
  
"But, Molly, honestly-"  
  
"Goodbye, Remus." She said with a smile and closed the door on him. He didn't go home though, because he couldn't imagine sitting doing nothing all day. So he went to talk to one of the wizards who he'd told to keep an eye out for Harry, he'd seen nothing. Then around noon he got hungry and he remembered something he'd desperately needed since he's found out Harry was gone, a drink. So he apprated to an alley about a block and a half down from the Leaky Cauldron so no one would see him, then walked the rest of the way 'til he was at the entrance. He opened the door, walked in and felt the familiar warmth that always seemed to linger in here.  
  
"Hello, Tom!" he said, trying to sound cheerful, but his tiredness overcame him and it came out kind of lazy.  
  
"Remus?!? Is that you? You haven't been in here in ages." Tom, the innkeeper of the Cauldron, always treated everyone as if he'd known them all his life, that's why this place always felt to welcoming. He was surprised at how empty it was, especially now. There were two wizards talking at a table in the corner and another wizard in a black cloak sitting at a table by himself.  
  
"How've you been?" Tom said, catching Lupin's attention again.  
  
"Uh," he replied, trying to think of an answer besides "horrible, tired, and frustrated," "fine," he continued, "just fine." Then put on a fake smile.  
  
"You don't look fine." Said Tom, frowning at him. He let out a quick laugh that said "you're probably right."  
  
"Haven't had much luck sleeping lately." He responded, "'fraid it's taken a bit out of me."  
  
"Expect it would." Said Tom and then gave Lupin a sympathetic smile. Lupin walked over to the counter as Tom turned away from it. When he sat on the stool in front of the counter, he could see Tom was cutting slices from what looked like a large piece of roast beef.  
  
Tom turned back to the counter and looked past him to the man in the black cloak, "Hey Cedric, you want anything else with this?" he asked  
  
"No, thank you." He replied timidly, not looking up from the table. He sounds young, probably just out of school, he thought. Tom gave the boy a kind smile even though he wasn't looking. He came out from behind the counter with the plate of roast beef, a knife and a fork, and placed it in front of him, then patted him on the back.  
  
When he was back behind the counter, he continued to look at the boy, sadly. "Poor lad," he said, "he's always by himself, no one ever tries to talk to him. Guess it's because he never really shows his face, never tries to talk to anyone himself. But he's a good kid once you get to know him, real good kid. Just think something happened to him that made him want to push people away." Lupin realized that he too was looking at the boy sympathetically and turned away.  
  
He reminded him of Harry; always pushing people away, except Harry wouldn't let anyone in, probably not even Tom. He turned to look at the boy again; he was keeping his head down and slowly eating his food, it was sad to see him all by himself.  
  
"Why don't you go talk to him, Remus." Said Tom and Lupin turned to face him, "I'm sure he'd like the company, even though he would never admit to it."  
  
"What would I say?" He replied, "I don't even know him." He didn't was to say it out loud, but he was also intimidated by the fact that he wouldn't show his face, he felt guilty for doing what so many other people had done to the boy, Cedric.  
  
"Go on." Said Tom, motioning his head toward Cedric. "Just say hello, introduce yourself." Lupin turned to look at him again, guess I could just say hello, he thought, then stood up. He took his time walking over and when he got to the table he hesitantly sat down across from him.  
  
"Mind me sitting here?" Lupin asked, but Cedric didn't respond or even react to the question, so he just assumed it meant it was ok and stayed sitting.  
  
"Um, well, let me introduce myself," he said extending his hand across the table to shake hands, "My name's Remus Lupin, nice to meet you." The boy lifted his head up slightly, and looked at Lupin's hand, examining it. Then slowly he put down the fork and reached out to shake Lupin's hand. He noticed that Cedric had quite a large cut over his knuckle that was partially healed.  
  
"What happened to your hand?" he asked.  
  
Cedric quickly pulled his hand away and said "nothing," then looked back at the table.  
  
"So," he said, changing the subject, "how long have you been staying here?"  
  
"Two weeks." He replied quietly, after a moment's hesitation. Still he didn't look up and continued to eat slowly.  
  
"Really? Well, that's quite some time. Why so long?" he said, thinking that maybe he could start to have a conversation.  
  
"That's none of your business." He replied, coldly. Lupin was running out of things to say. What was Tom talking about, he thought, this kid really doesn't want company. He thought maybe he could joke around with him, get him to smile, or even just show some emotion.  
  
"What are you hiding under there anyway?" said Lupin with a smile and a slight laugh. "I'm sure it isn't anything I can't handle." Then he began to reach toward the hood to flip it back, but right before he reached it, Cedric grabbed his wrist tightly.  
  
"Don't ever try that again!" he said threateningly, digging his fingertips into Lupin's wrist, then letting go by pushing his arm away from the hood. He was looking straight up now, right through the hood at Lupin. He examined what he would see of the boys face, it seemed familiar, yet not.  
  
"Could you please leave me alone, sir." Said Cedric, still looking straight at Lupin. He was defeated; he took a deep breath in and out and stood up.  
  
"I'm sorry if I've bothered you-"  
  
"You have." Interrupted Cedric "Now please leave." He went back to eating his food again, and acted like Lupin wasn't standing there. I tried, he thought, then walked back over to Tom.  
  
When he got back to the counter, Tom was smiling and shaking his head slightly, "Hard to crack, that one. Probably didn't help that you went for the hood, should've warned you about that." He said, as if it was nothing. Lupin gave a quick laugh that said "you think?"  
  
"So he's been here two weeks? That's quite a while."  
  
"Two weeks?" Tom said, surprised, "Nah, he's only been here a week, you must've heard him wrong."  
  
"What?!?" he said, a week? He continued in his head.  
  
"Ya, came in here, late, asking for a room. 'Course I said sure, asked his for his name, said it was Cedric Black." That last name caught Lupin's attention and he began to listen even more intently. "When I asked how long he'd be staying he said 'until I leave, but I'll pay before I go." Thought he'd be all serious like that the whole time, but like I said before he's a good kid once he opens up a bit." Lupin wasn't looking at anything, but his head was tilted down and his eyes were darting back and forth, placing facts together.  
  
"What-what about that cut on his hand, on-on his knuckle," he said pointing to his own hand, "was that already healing before or did it look like it was a new cut."  
  
"Oh, that," Tom said remembering, "That cut was new when I saw it, he had blood all over his hand. Asked his about it but he said he didn't want to talk about it."  
  
The mark of Harry's wall, thought Lupin, it was from his hitting it, and he must of split open his knuckle on accident. He probably was hiding under that hood, hiding his scar and his eyes, hiding from everything. He turned to look at Cedric, or Harry or whoever, but saw that the table he was sitting at was now empty. He searched all the other tables, and then saw that he was going up the stairs. Lupin practically fell of the stool he was sitting on to go after him.  
  
"Harry?!" he said when he caught up, but there was no reaction and "Cedric" kept walking, Lupin continued to follow. When they got to the hall Lupin said, "Harry, I know that's you."  
  
"I'm sorry," said "Cedric" stopping, "but I'm afraid you've mistaken me for someone else." Then he continued to walk, Lupin raced after him and grabbed his arm, but "Cedric" quickly pulled it away, then turned to Lupin.  
  
"Don't EVER touch me again!" he said through his teeth. Lupin's need to know if this was or wasn't Harry overpowered him and before "Cedric" could react, he reached for the hood and threw it back.  
  
Lupin also had no time to react when he was slammed into the walled next to him. When he recovered, he saw that the person who had slammed him into the wall was, in fact, Harry. He didn't say anything, just kept a grip on the front of his robes so Lupin couldn't move, and stared him in the eyes with a look of pure hatred.  
  
"Why?!?" he finally said, "Why did you have to go and show up again? Every time I think that maybe, MAYBE I have a chance at being happy, someone always comes along to screw everything up. EVERY TIME!" he was looking at Lupin as if he loathed him.  
  
"I'm sorry Harry, but I needed to know if it was you, we've been trying to find you for-"  
  
"I DIDN'T WANT TO BE FOUND!!" he yelled, interrupting Lupin. "I wanted to be left alone, but no you couldn't do that could you."  
  
"Harry, listen-"  
  
"NO! I'm talking, you listen. Now, if you ever come here again and try to get me to go back to the Dursley's, or the headquarters, or Hogwarts or whatever," He paused, and then continued, "I can't be responsible for my actions."  
  
"You wouldn't do anything to me, I know you better than that." Lupin replied, his voice shaking a bit.  
  
"Do you really? Tell me, what have I got to lose by hurting you; killing you?" he paused again, as if he was letting Lupin think about it. Then he continued, "Nothing, absolutely nothing. So if I was you, I'd leave, and forget you even saw me, understand?!" he stared Lupin down, waiting for an answer, but he didn't respond. Lupin couldn't believe it, but right now he was scared of Harry, of what he might do. Harry must have seen this in Lupin's eyes, which had opened slightly wider, and opened his hands to let go of Lupin's robes, then he took a step away from him.  
  
"Now, leave." He said coolly, then threw his hood up again, walked down the hall to his room, and went in, slamming the door behind him.  
  
Lupin didn't move for a moment, he was still paralyzed from a mixture of shock and fear from what had just happened. He stared at the door to the room Harry had just walked into, half expecting it to open again, but it didn't.  
  
"My God, Harry," he said, after regaining a bit of his composure, "what have you turned into?" Then he stepped away from the wall and walked slowly toward the stairs.  
  
*** 


	7. Reasons

REGRET (the aftermath of the 5th year)  
Chapter 7  
  
Harry was standing outside 12 Grimmauld place. He didn't know how he'd gotten there, but here was there now, staring at the front door.  
  
Open it, a voice yelled in the back of his head. But I don't want to, he replied to it. Open the door! The voice yelled again, and suddenly his hand was pulled to the handle on the door. He tried to pull his hand away but it wouldn't budge, so he turned the handle instead and pushed the door open. When he had gone in all the way he was able to pull his hand away, but when he tried to walk back out, the door slammed shut, and wouldn't open.  
  
"Fine!" he yelled at the house, "You win, ok!" then he kicked the door. The house was dark, quiet, and cold, so cold. He overlapped the front of his robes so it was on more tightly, and then crossed his arms in front of his trying to get warm. The silence in the house was deafening and scared him. He walked over to the wall next to him, grateful for the noise his feet made when he walked, then leaned against it, lowered his head, and closed his eyes; his arms still wrapped tightly around him. What am I doing here? He thought, I don't want to be here. The silence was broken when he heard a creak from the stairs, and his eyes shot open. As he looked at the staircase, he heard it again; someone was coming down. His heart began pounding is his chest; he took a step back with every sound until he hit the wall that was behind him. He turned and grabbed onto the front door knob and used both his hands to try to turn it, but it was locked.  
  
He pulled out his wand from his pocket and pointed it at the knob, "Alohomora," he said frantically, "Alohomora! ALOHOMORA!! Open, dammit!" but the door remained shut. He put his wand back in his pocket and pounded on the door with the sides of his fists saying, "Open! Please, open!"  
  
"Harry?" he heard behind him. He hadn't realized it but the footsteps had stopped, not that he did, he froze. "Harry, is that you?" it continued. Although the voice sounded familiar, it still scared him and he began to shake. Slowly he turned to look over his shoulder. When he saw who it was his eyes widened with horror and confusion, and he turned around all the way to face him.  
  
"S-Sirius?" he said, and then began to shake even more. It looked like him, but it couldn't be.  
  
"Yes, Harry?" replied the man.  
  
"No," he said in disbelief, "no, no." he continued, shaking his head, trying to back away, but not being able to because the door still wouldn't open, "You can't be, you-you're not."  
  
"What are you talking about? Not what?" he said.  
  
"You're not Sirius!!" he yelled at the imposter. "You're, he-he's dead." Tears were beginning to well up in Harry's eyes; this was cruel, beyond cruel to him. To see Sirius again would've been great, if he wasn't dead. And it couldn't be a ghost; this-this person was too real, to solid to be a ghost. This was a trick, or a joke; a horrible joke.  
  
"Dead?! I'm not dead, I'm right here." He said, taking a step toward Harry.  
  
"Stop!" he yelled, he was still shaking violently, still frightened beyond words. Having to remember that Sirius was dead, while seeing him, or someone who looked like him, alive and well in front of him was painful, and confusing, and the tears continued to well in his eyes. He blinked to clear his vision and the tears rolled down the side of his face. He couldn't take this much longer.  
  
"Harry," he said with what sounded like concern, "Harry, what's wrong?" then took another step toward Harry.  
  
"NO!!" said Harry again, pulling out his wand and pointing it at the man, "Don't come near me!"  
  
"Harry, it's me; it's me, Sirius." He said, sounding sincere, but Harry wouldn't fall for it, and looked away, shaking his head, tears still rolling down his face. "Harry, look at me." But he couldn't, his chest hurt from fighting the urge to break down, his throat too. "Look at me." He repeated. Harry continued to look away for a moment, and then turned his head slightly to look at the face of the man who claimed to be Sirius. "It's me, Harry."  
  
Maybe it is him, Harry thought, it looks so much like him, and sounds like him, but how? Slowly, he began to lower his wand. Sirius smiled and Harry's fear disappeared.  
  
"Is, is that really you?" Harry said, still with some disbelief.  
  
"Of course it is, who else would it be?" he replied, with a slight laugh in his voice. Harry was smiling as well now; he couldn't believe it. He wanted to run over and give Sirius a hug, make sure he was really there.  
  
But suddenly, Sirius lurched forward; like he'd been pushed, his expression became blank, and he fell to the ground. Harry's smile quickly disappeared, and he stared down at Sirius on the floor, who wasn't moving.  
  
"Sirius?" he said, but got no response, no movement. He took a few steps forward then dropped to his knees next to him. "Sirius??" he said again, placing his hand on Sirius's shoulder, shaking it. Nothing, no reaction. "Come on, this isn't funny." He said still shaking his shoulder; hoping he would move suddenly on his own, but he didn't, and Harry began to cry again. "Open your eyes, please, don't do this, don't die again!" but his pleading got no reaction. Harry dropped his head, and covered his face with his hands. "Please, not again." His shoulders shook and a lump began to form in his throat. This was too much, too painful; he had been pushed beyond his limit, he wasn't trying to hold back anymore, and he broke down.  
  
"Ah, poor little, Harry." He heard a voice say, sarcastically, coming from the stairs. "How sad, you had to see your godfather die, AGAIN." Harry lowered his hands and looked in the direction of the voice, whoever it was he couldn't see their face, only their mouth, the rest was covered by the cloak they were wearing.  
  
The man made a fake sad look, and then started laughing. "I'm sorry I had to do that," he said, pointing at Sirius' body with his wand, "But for a second there you looked happy, and you know we can't have that." Then he smiled again, as if it was nothing.  
  
Harry looked down at Sirius, then back at the man, "you-you mean, you killed-"  
  
"Yes, Harry, I killed him." He said, as if the question annoyed him. "But what did he think he was doing, being alive like that, getting your hopes up. He should have just stayed dead and saved you a lot of grief." Then he smirked at Harry.  
  
Harry stood up fast, his fist clenched, "How dare you!" he yelled, "HOW DARE YOU!!" the rushed the man and slammed him into the wall. But suddenly he felt the pain in his own back, like he had been slammed into it instead, it surprised his but he ignored it. "How dare you act like killing him was nothing!!"  
  
"It was nothing," he replied, laughing again, "I just pointed my wand at him and said 'Avada-'"  
  
"SHUT UP!!" Harry yelled, then socked him in the jaw. But again, he felt the pain in his own jaw and could feel the blood in his own mouth. He covered his mouth with his hands and took a step back from the man, whose head was still turned to the side from getting hit.  
  
"Nice hit." He said, turning his head to look at Harry. He spit some blood onto the floor, and then continued to smile. "I was just doing you a favor, you know. If your too happy, it will be that much harder to take the bad things that always happen to you. But you have to admit that was funny, I mean one second he was all alive and happy, and then BAM he's dead." He started laughing again, Harry filled with rage at this.  
  
"Stop it!" he yelled through his hands, then dropped them, pulled his wand out again, and pointed it at the man's chest, "Stop laughing!!" Harry yelled again, but he wouldn't and ignore him. 'CRUCIO!" Harry yelled, then suddenly every part of his body was in pain, indescribable pain and he fell to the ground. He wrapped his arms tightly around himself, and closed his eyes as much as he could. He didn't want to move, he couldn't believe the pain he was in. Finally, it started to subside and he slowly opened his eyes. He could see that the man was hit by it but was now pulling himself up, still laughing to himself. Harry knew he had to get up too, because staying on the ground would make him and easy target, so he rolled onto his knees and slowly pushed himself up.  
  
When he was standing he looked the man, Harry was breathing in and out quickly, his arms at his sides. "Who are you?" he asked, between a breath. The man didn't respond, but he did stop laughing and continued to smile at Harry. "Answer me!!" he yelled, but he just smiled. Harry had, had enough; he walked over to him, grabbed the front of the hood and threw it back. His eyes widened and he stumbled backwards, "No." he said quietly in disbelief. He was looking at himself, his own face. He began shaking his head, "no." he repeated. His other self continued to smile, walked up to Harry, and looked him straight in the eyes, "BOO!"  
  
Harry's eyes shot open and he sat up in his bed. He stomach lurched and he raced to the bathroom cause he had to throw up. He felt like crap, and when he pulled himself up to look in the mirror in the bathroom, he could see his eyes were bloodshot from crying. He had to go really close to the mirror to see this since he didn't have his glasses on, luckily the bathroom was right there and he could get to it with them. Emotionally, he was exhausted; he didn't know what to feel anymore. He took a few steps back; until he hit the wall, then slide down so he was sitting. Then he tilted his head back onto the wall so he was looking at the ceiling. "Just a dream." He said to himself, "It was just a dream." He repeated this over and over in his head, trying to convince himself that is wasn't real.  
  
He knew he couldn't stay here any longer; he'd have to leave, now. He knew Lupin was probably going to come back, and it would only cause Harry to have more stress and more nightmares. Why had he thought staying one more night would be ok, probably because he really didn't want to leave, but now he had no choice. He took a deep breath in and out, then pulled himself up with the wall, and walked back to the room to get his things together, to leave once again.  
  
*** 


	8. Expecting

REGRET (the aftermath of the 5th year)  
Chapter 8  
  
He knocked on the front door but got no response, so he took out his wand and tapped on it. He heard the loud, metallic clicks that indicated the door was going to open, and then it did. When he had gone in all the way and closed the door, he yelled, "Hello?!" but only got the silence as a response. He knew they were here cause he had seen Mrs. Weasley that morning. They're probably in a meeting, he thought, then raced to the kitchen where the meetings were usually held.  
  
When he reached it, he cautiously placed his hand on the door, testing to see if a Imperturbable charm had been placed on it, but there was none and he rushed in.  
  
"-No signs have been found that-" said Emmeline Vance, a stately looking witch who was in the order, when Lupin walked in but abruptly stopped and looked at him, as did everyone else.  
  
"I've-" he started to say, but was interrupted.  
  
"I thought I told you to stay home today." Said Mrs. Weasley, standing up.  
  
"Yes, I know, but I had to come back to-"  
  
"She's right Remus," interrupted Tonks, who was at the end on the long table they were all sitting at. "You really should be rest-"  
  
"I've found Harry!" he said before anyone could interrupt him again, for a moment there was silence, then everyone began to throw questions at him.  
  
"Where's he been?"  
  
"Did he look well?"  
  
"Why didn't you bring him back with you?"  
  
"Did he know you saw him?"  
  
"Did you talk to him?"  
  
"Why had he gone?"  
  
"You still haven't told me where he was?"  
  
"Please, Everyone!!" he yelled, and they all sat and fell silent. "Thank you." He said then went to go sit at the empty spot at the table. He took a deep breath in and out then began to explain, "Harry's fine, he's been staying at the Cauldron," they began to murmur at this, he continued, in a slightly louder voice, "I didn't bring him back because he didn't want to come back, he left of his own free will and he's staying of his own free will."  
  
"So.so, you talked to him then?" asked Elphias Doge, a wheezy voiced wizard, Lupin nodded. "Well, what did he say?"  
  
How am I supposed to answer that? He thought. He was still shaken by how Harry had reacted to seeing him, and also by the fact that Harry had threatened his life. He could see by everyone's expressions that they were curious as to what he had said as well.  
  
He would have loved to just lie and say Harry had been real good about seeing him, but he couldn't. So, he told them the truth, "He was angry." he said, then looked down at the table, "Very angry.that I had found him. He made it wary clear to me that he did not want to see me again, and then." he pauses. He had told them what they needed to know so he decided to leave the rest out, "and then I left and came here." He looked up to see that everyone seemed to be satisfied by this answer, except Mrs. Weasley who continued to glare at him.  
  
"What aren't you telling us?" she said above the voices of everyone in the room, who stopped talking when they heard her, then they turned once again to look at him.  
  
"What?" he replied, not looking at her, pretending he hadn't heard the question.  
  
"How did Harry make it SO clear he didn't want to see you again?" she said it as if he didn't have a choice of whether or not he wanted to answer.  
  
"Nothing, Molly, it was nothing."  
  
"Well, if it was nothing, then there wouldn't be any problem just telling us."  
  
"Come on, Remus," said Tonks, and he turned to look at her, "I'm sure it wasn't that bad, right?" then she smiled supportively at him, encouraging him to speak. But he didn't feel supported, he felt pressured. He didn't want to relive what had happened but he could feel everyone's eyes on him, eagerly awaiting his response. FINE, he thought.  
  
"He threatened me." He said, the words coming out quickly.  
  
"How did he threaten you?" asked Mrs. Weasley. She just won't give up, he thought. He was angry now, and decided if they wanted to hear what happened, he'd just tell then, "He told me that if I ever went back, he couldn't be held responsible for his actions. That he had nothing to lose from killing me."  
  
"Well, I don't believe that." said Kingsley Shacklebolt, another member, in an annoyed voice, "I mean, this is Harry Potter were talking about, he'd never say that." "Well, you weren't there were you!!" Lupin yelled at him, "you didn't see the look in his eyes! He looked like.like he was ready to kill me right there! Do you really think I'd lie about something like that?!?!"  
  
The expression on their faces showed that they believed him, and they sat in silence, not knowing what to say to that. Mrs. Weasley was the first to speak again.  
  
"Well, he can't stay there."  
  
"Maybe we can send someone else to talk to him, you know, to try to convince him to come back." Emmeline suggested, but Lupin just shook his head.  
  
"I doubt Harry will listen to anyone right now."  
  
"So you're saying there's no reasoning with him?"  
  
"Yes.if he doesn't want to listen, he won't"  
  
"Well, then what are we supposed to do, use force?" said Kingsley, slightly frustrated.  
  
Lupin took a deep breath in and out, then said "Force may be our only option."  
  
Mrs. Weasley stoop up at this comment, "Oh, no!! I will NOT have you using violence to get him back here."  
  
"Molly, we'll just use a simple spell to-"  
  
"NO, I won't have it! I-I forbid it!!" she looked at everyone, daring them to question her, "He's a smart boy, I'm sure if you just explained to him why he had to some back he'd-"  
  
"Yes, Molly, he's a smart boy, but he's as stubborn as hell and if he doesn't want to do something, HE WON'T DO IT!!"  
  
Mrs. Weasley quickly sat back down and stared at Lupin wide eyed, shocked that he had snapped at her like that, "I'm not suggesting we use an Unforgivable on him or anything like that, just a spell to knock him out or stun him long enough to get him back here." "Impedimenta?" suggested Elphias.  
  
"No, that one will hurt him and it'll only stun him for a moment, not nearly long enough to get him back here."  
  
"Then stupefy would probably be a better spell, right?" said Tonks, jumping in, "I mean, it will stun him for quite some time, and it wont hurt him, except maybe from the impact when he hits the ground." Everyone mumbled and nodded in agreement.  
  
"Well, that's only part of it, another problem is actually getting him here." Said Lupin above everyone's voices, "Flying would take too long, and I doubt we'd be able to use a someone's fireplace considering we'll have a half-concious boy with us and no way to reason for it."  
  
"Well, then a Portkey's our only option." Said Hestia Jones, a black- haired, pink-cheeked witch.  
  
"I doubt we'll be able to get one authorized by the ministry by the end of the day." Said Mrs. Weasley, finally speaking again, "you know how busy they are these days." Everyone murmured again in agreement.  
  
"Well, then we'll just have to set one up ourselves when the time comes."  
  
"An unauthorized Portkey?!" said Kingsley, "That's risky."  
  
"Taking risks is part of our job," explained Lupin calmly. "Now, we're going to have to be watching all the exits to the cauldron. If you see him, stun him and set up a Portkey to get him here." He made eye contact with everyone, making sure they all understood. "Someone will have to say here, just in case Dumbledore or anyone else shows up and asks questions."  
  
"I'll stay," volunteered Mrs. Weasley. "I doubt I'd be able to use a spell on Harry if the time came."  
  
Lupin looked at her and nodded saying, "Alright." Then they began to discuss who would go where, and how to stay hidden. Within an hour they were ready, everyone knew where they had to go and what they had to do. But before they were all about to leave, he turned to them and gave them all a stern look, "Do not draw attention to yourselves, try not to make too much of a scene if or when you see him. Make a portkey with whatever is near you, don't go looking for something. Is that understood?" Everyone said "yes" or nodded and he did as well, then they all apprated to where they needed to be.  
  
Lupin was partnered with Kingsley to watch the front door of the cauldron. They apprated to the alley from before, that was a block and a half down. They slowly walked up the block looking for a place to stay hidden while they waited. Kingsley elbowed Lupin when he spotted an opening between two buildings that was a few feet wide. It was almost directly across the street from the Cauldron and there were large stacks of empty crates all down it. They casually walked across the street and stepped behind the first stack when no one was paying attention.  
  
Lupin looked quickly around the crates to see how his view was of the Cauldrons front door.  
  
"What do we do now?" asked Kingsley.  
  
"We wait." Replied Lupin, then he leaned back against the wall and sighed, knowing that they would probably be there a long time.  
  
*** 


	9. Easier To Run

REGRET (the aftermath of the 5th year)  
Chapter 9  
  
He was ready to leave in minutes. Since he hadn't unpacked his trunk, all he had to do was change into some regular clothes and he was set to go. He put his wand in his pocket and threw on his cloak. He left the hood down because he figured everyone was asleep so he didn't need to hide his face for now, and he'd wait till he got outside to put it up.  
  
Before he opened the door, he took one last look at the room. Harry would have given anything to just stay a while longer, to enjoy his freedom, while he could. But he had lost that when Lupin has seen his face, and now leaving was his only option if he ever wanted to regain it. He sighed, then turned to the door and left the room before he could change his mind.  
  
Outside the room was dark and quiet, and as he pulled his trunk toward the stairs, every sound he made seemed to echo endlessly through the building. He cringed when he saw the stairs; it wasn't going to be fun lugging the trunk to the bottom. He took each stair one at a time, placing both feet on the step, bringing down the trunk next to him, and then proceeding to the next one. After what seemed like forever he reached the bottom, and then turned back to the stairs and silently cursed them for having so many steps. He started toward the door but stopped when he remembered he had to give Tom money for the room. He placed his trunk flat on the floor, opened it and pulled out his bag of money, a piece of parchment and a plain muggle pen. He didn't feel like using a quill and ink when a pen would work just as well. On the parchment he wrote:  
  
Dear Tom,  
Sorry I had to leave so suddenly, but something came  
up that I couldn't ignore. Thank you for being so kind to  
me, and I do hope to see you again one day.  
  
Your Friend,  
Cedric Black  
  
P.S. I hope the money I left will cover my room.  
  
He folded the note and placed five galleons on top since that was all he had left to give. When he had closed his trunk and stood it up, he walked over to the counter and placed the note and money there for Tom to find. He slid his hand across the counter as he walked toward the door, pulling his trunk behind him. When he reached it, he placed his hand on the knob and his head on the door, and said a silent "goodbye" to the place he had called home, even if it was just for a short time. Then he opened the door, walked out and closed the door quietly behind him.  
  
It was dark, as he had expected, and only various windows in the buildings around him were lite. It wasn't completely silent; he could hear cars driving in the distance and a subtle tone of music playing somewhere unknown. But the streets and sidewalks were empty, except for a parked car here and there. Harry embraced the fact that he was alone, no one to look at the weird kid in the cloak, no attention. He had a problem though, leaving was the obvious thing to do, but he had no idea where to go. He looked up and down the street to at least decide on a direction, and then something across the street caught his eye. He thought he saw something move, and kept his eyes fixed on the spot till he was satisfied that it was nothing. But he still felt unease and decided any direction was ok and began to walk slowly up the street.  
  
Within a few steps he could feel something watching him, he knew the feeling well, but instead of looking back he quickened his pace. The sound of footsteps now followed him as well, and his heart beat faster with every step. It seemed like the faster he went; the faster the footsteps came behind him. His heart was now pounding in his chest, and his blood had gone cold from fear. He let go of his trunk and started to run, but only got a few feet before something struck him in the back and he fell forward and slammed into the concrete.  
  
He wanted to close his eyes to help deal with the pain from hitting the sidewalk, but he couldn't. He wanted to lift himself; to move his arms or his legs, but not even his muscles seemed to be able to react to his will. He had landed on his right arm when he fell, it was causing him a lot of pain, he tried again to move to get the pressure off it, but his body didn't even react at all. He felt helpless, he was at the mercy of whoever had done this, and he hated it. His glasses had fallen off so his vision was blurred. All he could make out was what looked like his other hand, which laid a few inches away from his face.  
  
He could hear their voices coming toward him, their footsteps getting louder, but all he could do was lie there, unable to run, unable to fight back if he had to, only to wait for whatever might happen to him next.  
  
*** 


	10. Waiting

REGRET (the aftermath of the 5th year)  
Chapter 10  
  
All day, witches and wizards had gone in and out of the Cauldron, but none had been Harry. Lupin and Kingsley had no choice but to be patient and wait. But as night fell along with the temperature, their patience wore thin, and the hope that they would even see Harry began to fade.  
  
"What if he used that invisibility cloak you were telling me about," said Kingsley, "he could have just left and we wouldn't have seen him."  
  
Lupin had thought about this, but ruled it out as an option for Harry, "Even if he had used it, we would see the door open. And besides, he's not a little kid anymore; I doubt he would be able to fit himself and his trunk under the cloak." He said, looking at the Cauldron's front door.  
  
"Well, I tired of waiting here," said Kingsley, sounding very aggravated, "we've been here for hours, and we haven't seen him. What makes you think he's gonna suddenly decide to appear the second we leave?"  
  
"Well, we can't risk it," argued Lupin, "I mean, what if he does show up when we leave. That could happen. Harry's not exactly the most predictable person. If he was, we wouldn't be here would we?" He had made his point and they both stood in silence having run out if things to say to each other, but Lupin's mind continued to race. What if he had left already; what if they'd missed him and all this waiting had been for nothing. Then he heard it, they both did, the sound of a door opening.  
  
Once again Lupin looked around the crate at the door, which had only shown strangers to see the familiar face of Harry.  
  
"Is it him?" asked Kingsley, but Lupin didn't answer. His eyes were fixated on Harry, as if looking away would make him disappear. Harry was looking up and down the street, probably deciding on a direction, when suddenly his eyes were on the alley they were hiding in, looking straight at Lupin.  
  
He shot backwards, trying to avoid being seen be Harry. "Is it him?" asked Kingsley again.  
  
Lupin nodded, took a breath, then said, "I think he saw me." Cautiously he looked around the crate again at where Harry was, only to see him walking down the street. "Come on," he told Kingsley, "He's leaving, we have to follow him." They quietly walked across the street, but it seemed that Harry had still heard them since he had quickened his pace.  
  
"Now. Stun him now." Said Lupin urgently, quickening his pace as well to keep up with Harry, who was probably 25 feet in front of them.  
  
"Now?"  
  
"Yes, now."  
  
Kingsley raised his wand and pointed it at Harry's back, then yelled "Stupefy!" As the red light emitted from his wand, Harry dropped his trunk and began to run, but only got a few feet before the spell struck his in the back and he slammed into the ground. They both cringed because the fall had looked painful, then slowly made their way over to him. Though they knew he was of no danger to them, they still felt the need to be cautious.  
  
Lupin stopped when they got to the Trunk. "I'll set up the portkey with this," he said, giving the trunk a small kick, "you get him." Kingsley nodded and walked over to Harry, Lupin knelt down next to the trunk and opened it. He needed to find something before they left, something that Harry could use to escape, and after searching for only a moment he found it. The knife that Sirius had given Harry to unlock doors, any doors, even magically locked ones. He put it in his cloak pocket, and then snapped the trunk shut again, before Kingsley had noticed. He took out his own wand now, pointed it at the trunk and said "Portus." He stood up and took a step back, being careful now to activate the newly created Portkey.  
  
"Um, how does he look, Kingsley?" Asked Lupin, but when he looked over at where Harry was, he noticed Kingsley was walking in circles a few feet from Harry, looking at the ground.  
  
"Well," he replied, "From what I could see," then he stopped and picked something up off the ground, "ah, found them." He said, then looked up at Lupin, who had a questioning look on his face, "oh, um his, his glasses fell off, and well, I found them." He said holding up the glasses so Lupin could see them. "Yes, well, anyway," he continued, walking back over to Harry and kneeling down, "from what I could tell, he's fine, except," he pushed Harry onto his back and turned his head so the right side of his face was showing, "for that" There were long thin cuts all down the right side of Harry's face and each one was bleeding, covering that side of his face with blood. "Molly's not gonna be happy with that." Kingsley said, looking away from Harry at Lupin.  
  
"We'll deal with her after we get him back. The Portkey's all set up so lets get him back to headquarters before he comes out of it."  
  
"Right." Kingsley said, and then he carefully picked Harry up, one arm holding him across his back, the other under his knees. Harry's head and arms fell what seemed lifelessly as he was lifted off the ground. It was hard for both of them to see him like this, especially Lupin, who felt like he had betrayed Harry, broken his trust, he only hoped he would forgive him for this one day.  
  
"Remus!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I said, are you ready?" Kingsley was holding Harry's and his own hand over the trunk, ready to leave.  
  
"Yes," he replied, then knelt down and held his hand over the trunk, "on the count of three. 1-2-3." Then they dropped their hands down. The felt the sensation of being pulled for a moment until they found themselves inside the Order headquarters. "Let's get him upstairs." Said Lupin, and Kingsley replied but picking Harry up again as he had before.  
  
"Oh, you're back!" they both jumped when they heard the voice, and turned to see Mrs. Weasley come out of the kitchen. "You've got him then?" she said, taking a step towards them, "let me see him." Kingsley was still slightly turned away from her and looked at Lupin questioningly as for what to do, Lupin just nodded. So he turned so that Mrs. Weasley could see Harry completely. She gasped and her hands shot up to cover he mouth. If you didn't know any better, at first glance Harry looked dead, and from her response, Lupin could tell this is what Mrs. Weasley thought as well.  
  
"He's only stunned, Molly, and we must get him upstairs before he-"  
  
"What happened to his face?" she interrupted, taking a few steps closer to his so she was right next to Kingsley looking down at Harry's face, "Why is he bleeding like that?"  
  
"He fell pretty hard when the spell hit him," replied Lupin, "it was an accident."  
  
"An Accident!?" she said, anger evident in her voice, then she turned and went back into the kitchen, muttering quietly to herself, "an accident." When she came back out, she had a damp cloth in her hand. She went directly over to Harry and wiped the blood off his face.  
  
"Um, Remus," Said Kingsley, "he's really starting to get heavy, and I think he's coming to." Lupin looked at Harry and saw that his fingers were moving slightly. Lupin's eyes widened, "Get his upstairs, now!!" he yelled urgently, and pulled Mrs. Weasley back out of Kingsley's way, then they both ran up the stairs, Kingsley being careful not to drop Harry. When they had reached the room, he placed Harry on the bed, took the glasses out of his pocket, and placed them in Harry's hand, then left the room. Lupin went over to Harry after Kingsley had left, reached in his pocket and took Harry's wand.  
  
"Nu." He heard Harry mumble, probably trying to say 'no', but he had to take it.  
  
"I'm sorry, Harry, I'm sorry." Lupin said apologetically, "But we had to, I'm sorry." Then he left the room, and closed the door. He then took out his wand and locked to door magically.  
  
Mrs. Weasley and Kingsley were waiting for him at the bottom of the stairs, both with questioning looks on their faces. "Kingsley, I need you to go tell the others we got Harry, alright?" he told his solemnly, not looking either of them in the eye.  
  
"Alright." He replied, then placed his hand on Lupin's shoulder, "hey, don't be to hard on yourself, it had to be done." Lupin nodded, and Kingsley smiled, apprated and was gone. Mrs. Weasley, however, remained where she was; arms folded, staring at Lupin.  
  
"Why do you have Harry's wand?" she demanded. He had forgotten he was holding it and looked at it in his hand.  
  
"I took it from him."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because," he said, looking up at her, "I knew he'd only use it against us." He was tired, but didn't feel like going back upstairs to another room to lie down. So he started toward the drawing room, leaving Mrs. Weasley to herself. He stopped at the doorway to the drawing room, and without turning around said, "I'm going to need you to bring Ron down here tomorrow, Hermione as well, please." Then he walked in, closed the doors behind him, sat in the armchair, and fell asleep.  
  
*** 


	11. This Place Is A Prison

REGRET (the aftermath of the 5th year)  
Chapter 11  
  
The pain is what woke him up, the pain in his arm. For come reason it hurt more than the night before. He wished last night hadn't happened, that when he opened his eyes, he would still be in the Cauldron, safe in his room, and most of all happy. But the pain had woken his up, not just from his sleep, but also to the realization that it had all been real. Slowly, he opened his eyes to look at the room he was in, but all he could see was blurred darkness.  
  
He slid his hand over the sheets next to him, remembering that someone had put his glasses in his hand before he had been overcome by the shock of the spell and stress of the whole experience. He found them about to fall between the opening that separated the bed and the wall. He put them on, then dropped his arm limply back onto the bed. The room became slightly more focused, but still dark, so he turned his sight to the ceiling, and stared blankly at it, a million thoughts running through his head.  
  
How could they, he thought, how could they do this? How could they treat me like this? He could almost feel where they had stabbed him in the back; the pain of it was real. But the worst of it all was that he trusted them, even thought of some of them as friends, family even. His eyes blurred again as tears began to form. It had all been a trick, they weren't his friends. No friend would do this; treat him like this. He slid the side of his hand over the side of his eyes to stop the tear from falling.  
  
"NO!!!" he yelled as he sat up quickly and turned so his legs were over the side of the bed. "I won't let them get to me like that." he stared down loathingly at the floor, knowing that someone was down there, and gripped the edge of the bed tightly, wishing it was their neck. Rage began to fill up in him, he didn't know what he's do to the first person to walk through that door. I hate them, he thought, I hate them. Tears were slowly dropping down the side of his face, not from sadness, but from anger, frustration, and the deep, painful feel of being betrayed. He shot up, ran to the door and slammed the side of his fist into it.  
  
"I HATE YOU ALL!!!" he yelled as loud as he could, because he wanted to make sure that everyone who could hear him, did. "I will NEVER forgive you for this, ANY of you." He took a step back and stared at the door hoping someone would come through it, but no one did. "Fine then." He said quietly through his teeth and began to pace the room. He was shaking with anger; he needed a way to release this anger before he exploded. He looked at every object in the room as if it were his worst enemy, and needed to be destroyed.  
  
Impulsively, he reached into his pocket for his wand, but it wasn't there. Then he remembered, Lupin had taken it. He knew it was him because he recognized his voice when he said he was sorry. Liar, he thought, he wasn't sorry. He probably just said that to make himself feel better about what he did.  
  
Harry was tired, tired from the night before, tired of everything that had happened to him since he left Hogwarts; of everything that had happened before. He didn't enjoy constantly feeling angry and sad and hopeless. He couldn't help but feel that way after everything he'd been through. He walked back over to the bed, took off his glasses and laid down on his side, looking out at the room. He wanted to disappear. Not existing would be better than existing like this, he thought.  
  
He could hear people talking down stairs, one person was yelling. "At least someone is on my side" he said solemnly, but he mostly hoped it was that way. He closed his eyes, wanting to sleep, but knowing he couldn't, and pulled his knees a little closer to his chest. The voices continued and he was trying to ignore them, but they seemed to be getting louder. Then he heard someone coming up the stairs. He considered getting up, but decided not to since he would be out numbered if he tried to get out. So he continued to lie down, eyes shut, and wait for whoever was coming to come.  
  
"Open the door." He heard them say when the footsteps had reached him. Still he tried his best to ignore it and buried his face into the pillow. When the door opened, the light from outside shocked him since he had become use to the darkness, and he turned onto his other side to try to block it out.  
  
"Leave me alone." He said coldly.  
  
"Harry?" they said, but he recognized this voice, and turned to the doorway to see who it had been. "Harry, are you alright?"  
  
He slid his glasses back onto his face and the person at the door came into focus. Words refused to come out of his mouth for a moment, and when he could speak, all he could manage to say was, "Hermione?"  
  
*** 


	12. Hello Again

REGRET (the aftermath of the 5th year)  
CHAPTER 12  
  
"Well, I hope you're all proud of yourselves," Hermione spat out at the witches and wizards of the Order who sat before her, and who now hung their heads low in shame refusing to make eye contact with her, "you ambushed, kidnapped and imprisoned a 15-year-old wizard. And not just any wizard... no... it was Harry." A lump began to form in her throat and tears welled up in her eyes, "it was Harry," she said again al almost a whisper. She looked up at the ceiling to stop herself from crying and to gather her thoughts, but it worked for neither, and instead she directed her vision and her fists into the table. "I can't even imagine how he must be feeling right now!! And it's your fault, all of you!!" Those words had been the final blow and the room fell silent.  
  
Ron was there too, by the wall, being held back by two members of the Order. When Lupin had confessed to the whole thing being his idea, Ron had lunged at him, wanting to hurt him, badly. But to his great misfortune he was stopped, and was still continuing to be held back.  
  
Then they heard a voice, Harry's voice, coming from upstairs. There wasn't just anger in his voice, but hate as well, and every word was like a slap in the face to all those who deserved it. What he said was short, but spoke volumes. He hated them, all of them, and they'd lost his trust forever. Guilt overcame everyone in the room except Hermione and Ron who had had no part in it.  
  
"I want to go see him," Hermione ordered, "take me to see him." One of the Order members looked up at Hermione, though all of them were much older than Hermione, they wee all also scared of her, the member who looked up gathered all their courage to speak to her.  
  
"Um, well, that may not be such a great idea. See, like you said, he's probably very angry and who knows how-"  
  
"NOW!!" Hermione yelled and everyone jumped, everyone except Ron, whose gaze was still fixed loathingly on Lupin.  
  
"Alright." Lupin finally said after his long silence, then he walked over to where Hermione was. Ron struggled to get free from the wizards restraining him when Lupin came near, but was unable to. Lupin and Hermione were now looking each other straight in the eyes. "I'll take you to go see him," he said, speaking first, "but if he does anything to try to get out or hurt either of you-"  
  
"I won't blame him." Hermione interrupted condescendingly; Lupin continued.  
  
"If he does anything, I'm pulling you both out of there, I don't care if you've only been in there one minute."  
  
"Fine."  
  
"Follow me then." Lupin began to walk towards the stairs, Hermione followed.  
  
"Get your hands off me!!" Ron yelled at those who held him back, pulling his arms away from them, when following closely behind Hermione. It seemed that the more they went up the stairs, the more the air around them grew colder. And although Hermione would never admit to it, she was scared of how Harry would react as well. Lupin stopped at the first door at the top of the stairs.  
  
"This is it." He said. Hermione knew it couldn't be that easy to get in and out of the room, there had to be a spell on it.  
  
"Open the door." She said looking at him. Lupin frowned, then stepped forward and removed the spell from the door. He looked back at her to make it evident that the door was now unlocked, and then stepped away from her. Hermione turned her sight to the door and slowly reached her hand toward the knob. She had come up those stairs with such confidence, but her fear of the unknown and unexpected began to overcome her. Her heart pounded in her chest and her hand stopped just before it had reached the doorknob.  
  
"Not that easy is it." Lupin said from behind her; Ron took it as an insult.  
  
"Shut Up!!" he yelled as he shoved Lupin backwards, then he stepped closer to Hermione so he was right behind her. He placed his hand on her shoulder and leaned forward to speak right into her ear. "Don't worry," he said quietly, "he won't do anything to you, you had no part in this. And if he does, I'll be right there." Hermione's confidence built once more at his words and she reached forward, turned the knob, and opened the door.  
  
Cold air rushed toward them and darkness overcame them as they stepped into the room. Hermione half hoped that is was the wrong room, that Harry wasn't in there but she saw movement and heard an all to familiar voice.  
  
"Leave me alone," the voice said, "I don't feel like having any visitors right now." His voice sounded a little different, but only as far as the emotion behind it.  
  
"Harry?" she said stepping away from Ron. The person on the bed turned to look at her. It is Harry, she thought. But it was more of a disappointment than a relief. Nonetheless she happy to see him. "Harry," she continued, "are you alright?" For a moment he just looked at her, examining her, almost as if he was trying to figure out who she was.  
  
"Hermione?" he finally said, but he still looked at her as if she was a stranger. She didn't care though, she was just happy to be acknowledged. Slowly Harry got out of bed and stood up before her. She took a moment to really look at him, his face had cuts and bruised on it, his eyes seemed empty and emotionless, and his expression was one of someone who had given up. It hurt her to see him like this, so empty, so cold, it was almost too much to bear. She shot forward and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, crying, almost unable to speak.  
  
"Oh Harry, I'm so sorry they did this to you, I'm so sorry. But you have to believe me I had nothing to do with this, if I could have stopped them I would have, but I couldn't, I didn't know. I'm so sorry, Harry, I'm sorry." She held onto him tightly, wanting him to react, do something to show he was still there, but nothing. His arms stayed at his side, still where he stood before Hermione had hugged him, his gaze set blankly on the floor.  
  
"We didn't even know this had happened until about an hour ago." Said Ron from behind Hermione, closing the door. "Lupin said he had to go it, but he's a damn liar, he just got desperate. I'm sure you went through hell last night, of all people, you didn't deserve that." He didn't know what else to say, Harry still wasn't reacting to them being there, none of what they said seemed to effect him at all. Hermione still had a tight grasp on Harry; afraid he would disappear again if she let go.  
  
"Could you please let go of me." Harry said in an emotionless tone. She kept a hold on him for a moment longer, then let go taking a step back towards Ron. Harry didn't look at them, he just took a few steps to the bed and sat on the edge looking down. No one said anything for a few minutes, then Hermione spoke up.  
  
"Do you want to talk about what happened?" she said.  
  
"No."  
  
"Are you hungry? Do you want me to tell them to-"  
  
"I'm not hungry."  
  
"Well, is there anything else you want us to do?" He didn't answer, but Hermione waited for one anyway, he had to want something. She walked over to him and knelt down in front of him, looking up at his face. "Harry." She said trying to look in his eyes, but he moved his gaze to avoid hers. "Harry, look at me." He ignored her request, but she persisted, "look at me." He took a silent breath in and out then slowly met her eyes. She gave a small smile and said, "Harry, we're here to help you, what can we do?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"There's nothing we could-?"  
  
"No. Nothing you'd be able to do anyway."  
  
"Come on, Harry." Said Ron, "There has to be something-"  
  
"No." Once again Harry's eyes left Hermione's, and went back to the floor. But she kept her eyes fixed on him, longing to help in some way, to make some of his problems go away.  
  
She reached out and grabbed his hand gently. "Harry, I-"but he pulled his hand away. She paused trying not to be hurt by it, thinking about all he had been through, "I know you've been through a lot, you've had such a hard life and I'm not even going to pretend that I know how that feels, but Harry, I promise you. I promise, things will get better." His eyes shot back and met hers. He was showing an emotion now, anger.  
  
"Better!?!" he yelled at her, standing up. She stood up too and took a step back, "Better?!? Do you know how many times I've had people tell me things are going to get better?!?" With every other word he took a step toward her, and she took a step back. At his last word she hit the wall, "well, they didn't get better, did they!! THEY GOT WORSE!!" Ron shot towards him and pulled him but his right arm away from her.  
  
"Leave her alone, she was just trying to help you!"  
  
"Well, it didn't work!!" Harry yelled, shoving Ron away from him. Ron was ready to retaliate until he saw Harry close his eyes tightly and hold his right arm, the arm Ron had just grabbed tightly. They both could see Harry was in pain as he turned away from them, and hunched forward, still holding his arm. Hermione walked over to him and reached for his arm, but he pulled away.  
  
"Let me see your arm." She said, and for a moment he just stared her in the eyes, trying to intimidate her, then let go of his arm to let her look at it. She reached out again and gently held his arm, slowly pulling up the sleeve of the cloak he was still wearing. What she saw shocked her and she let out a quick gasp. His arm was covered in large bruises and looked swollen. Where it wasn't bruised there were cuts and dark red marks from his arm hitting something. On the top of his hand was a large gash, but it must have been a while ago that he had gotten it since it was healed slightly. She shook her head slowly as she looked it over. "Can you move it?" she asked.  
  
"Yes." He replied and pulled his arm away from her.  
  
"You should have a healer look at that."  
  
"I'll be fine." He went over and sat on the bed again as he had before. He didn't say anything, none of them did. Ron walked over to Hermione and whispered in her ear, "We should leave, he doesn't want us here, let's just –"  
  
"Do you really want to help me?" Harry interrupted. They both looked up at him, surprised he was asking for help, even talking.  
  
"Yes, Harry, whatever we can do to help, we'll do."  
  
"You...you promise to consider it before you say no?"  
  
"Yes we promise." Said Hermione; happy Harry was finally trying to reach out for half. He sat in silence for a moment, opening and closing his left hand, probably thinking about what he wanted.  
  
"You-you can't just say no, you have to think about it first." He said, looking up into her eyes, desperation in his own eyes.  
  
"Ok. I promise."  
  
"I want you to," he started them took a deep breath in and out and looked down," I want you to kill me."  
  
"What!?!" yelled Ron.  
  
"No, Harry I could never!!" said Hermione at the same time.  
  
"You promised you would at least consider it!!" Harry yelled, seeming angry that his request was shot down so quickly.  
  
"Harry, I could never, in a million years think about killing you." Hermione had begum to cry again, at the request and the though of Harry dying at her hands.  
  
"Why would you even think about asking us something like that!?!" Rom demanded to know.  
  
"BECAUSE I HATE MY LIFE!!" He was on his feet looking at them both, "I hate having to see people I know or care about die because of me." His eyes glazed over and tears dropped down his cheek, "I hate how every year it just gets worse and worse!" His face had an expression of great sorrow, they had never seen him cry before, and now more than ever it showed just how much pain he was in, "And what I hate most of all," he continued, his voice was cracking from the lump in his throat, "is how at the end of all of it, I'm alone. There are people out there who want me dead," he wiped the tear from the side of his face, "Do you know how that feels? To have people who want you dead? And when I go home, there are people there, who are supposed to be my family, who if I did die, wouldn't care." He shut his eyes tightly and tilted his head down. He was crying so hard and fighting it so much it was almost impossible for him to talk. He sniffed and took a deep shaky breath to calm himself down and continue with what he had to say, "you have your happy homes with your loving families, and I have nothing, I have no one."  
  
They couldn't argue with him, how could they, it was true. Every year when something happened, they got to go home to their families who loved them; Harry went home to people who hated him. There were things, secrets, kept from Harry that everyone seemed to know about except him. He had been spied on, stalked, lied to, and come so close to death that many were amazed he was still alive at all, and when things really got bad for him, almost the entire wizarding world turned against him. Poor Harry, Hermione thought, it must be so sad to feel so alone.  
  
"Harry, you're not alone-"  
  
"Could you please just go now." He said, looking up at the ceiling.  
  
"No, Harry, we're not gonna leave, you shouldn't be alone right now."  
  
"But I want to be alone, I'm use to it now"  
  
"No you don't."  
  
"Yes I do!!" he yelled, again trying to intimidate her into leaving, but she stared back at him without even flinching at his words.  
  
"You say how alone you are, but whenever people do try to help you or get close to you, you push them away." She took a step toward him and looked him straight in the eyes even though he wasn't looking in hers. "But no matter how much you deny it, you're not alone. Even if it's just me and Ron, it's still something, still someone. We'll leave for now, but we'll come back later. I'll get you something to eat, ok?"  
  
"I said I wasn't hungry."  
  
"Fine, you can just stair at it then, but I don't want you to starve to death." She walked to him, gave him a quick one-sided hug, and walked over to the door. Ron stayed where he was for a moment, then walked to within a few feet of Harry.  
  
"It IS good to see you again, though you're not in the best condition." Ron said, giving a quick laugh, "Nearly killed that damn Lupin when he said it was his idea, you should have see the look on his face when I went for him." He laughed again, he was trying to cheer Harry up a but but could tell he was failing. "Well, I'll see you again later. Try to get some rest while we're gone ok?" he finished, and gave Harry a quick pat on his left shoulder, then he walked over to the door where Hermione was waiting.  
  
"You know why I don't let people get close to me?" Harry said suddenly from behind them, and they both turned to look at him. "It's because every time something gets close to me... they die. I don't want anyone else to die because of me, even if they're my enemy, I'm so sick of death."  
  
They both just stared at him for a moment, then Ron turned the knob on the door and opened it. He held it open for Hermione, but she didn't move to leave the room, and kept looking at Harry.  
  
"We'll come back to see you soon, ok?" she said, and Harry nodded once to show he understood, not looking at her. She slowly turned away from him and left the room with Ron right behind her.  
  
"See you later, Harry." Ron said, and then he slowly began to close the door but just before it was completely shut, they both heard him say, "Goodbye."  
  
And with a click of the door and a spell from Lupin, Harry was once again locked back in his own private prison, all alone.  
  
***  
  
Coming Eventually: Chapter 13 


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